The Jaded Otter

This is my 21st post, and 21 is supposed to be a lucky number. But not for me, faithful reader, because once again reality has been distracting me from my sacred responsibility as the author of this blog. Namely, the duty to try to answer the question "What would it be like if Andy Rooney was reincarnated as an otter?” In other words, there's been a last minute scramble to find a topic. One I considered was “The Trouble with . . . Women”. But instantly, the family robot exclaimed “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” I have no idea why he insists on calling me Will Robinson, but he was right – that’s probably a topic I should avoid. It was lucky for me he was around. [1] Speaking of luck, if you have investments, then you know the stock market has been more or less holding its own. That seems extremely lucky to me, since I now view the U.S. as a country music station, and every goddamn day the DJ says "Here's a new one from Lyin' Don and the Mental Defecti...

  [ Author’s Note:  I'm not the kind of otter to make excuses, but I have been dealing with a lot of stuff this fortnight, so this post may not achieve the level of brilliance, insight, and hilarity that you're used to. What can I say, I'm only mustelidian. So what's been going on? Well,  Mrs. Otter was in Florida for seven days taking lessons from a swarthy Cuban named Lazaro. [1]   I was interrogated and fingerprinted by a customs agent. [2]    I received my COVID booster and my pneumonia vaccine. [3]   I recently “celebrated” a birthday, with my children nowhere in sight and my wife off enjoying “Lessons with Lazaro”. My picture was taken with a former late night talk show host, something that was not on my bucket list. [4] And the IRS helpfully pointed out that my tax preparer made a mistake on our 2024 return that will cost us thousands of dollars. [5] So you see, funny boy's been a little distracted lately. Therefore, I’m phoning it in this time...

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin' And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive !  [1] Staying alive (assuming you're not murdered or killed in a nasty accident) requires staying healthy. The trouble with staying healthy is that the key to good health varies, depending on who you listen to. Sounds like the perfect time for another installment of . . . ASK DOCTOR OTTER ! [ Disclaimer: T. J. Otter is not a licensed physician and does not possess any medical degrees. However, he has been up and down the river many times, and learned a few things at the School of Hard Rocks.] Fred writes: “My doctor keeps telling me I need to get more fiber in my diet. What do you think?” Well, Fred, fiber’s a good thing. It keeps the old...

OJ Simpson was a football star, plugged Hertz rental cars, acted in the  Naked Gun movies, was a domestic abuser, murdered his ex-wife and her alleged lover (leading to a slow-speed chase in a Ford Bronco), and went to prison for robbery and kidnapping related to stealing sports memorabilia. David Carradine, star of the 1970s TV show  Kung Fu,  died at the age of 72 in Bangkok, Thailand in an apparent auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap. Michael Jackson tried to buy the bones of John Merrick (the “Elephant Man”), had a chimp named Bubbles, was briefly married to Elvis Presley’s daughter, hung around with Elizabeth Taylor, had a number of plastic surgeries that basically destroyed his nose, dangled his nine-month-old son over the railing of a fourth-floor hotel balcony for his adoring fans, openly traveled the world with young boys he was sleeping with, and had his personal physician administer a general anesthetic to him every night so he could sleep. Diana Spencer beca...

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: If you are a regular reader of this blog, you must be sick of me whining about running out of topics to discuss. Good news - I think I've solved the problem. Until now I have written about things I have some experience with, like doing yardwork, taking the car in for repairs, going to restaurants, watching TV, etc. Because I live a simple life, this means I’ve had a limited number of topics to select from. I figured if I chose a topic, I should know something about it. What a naïve fool I’ve been. Just follow the news for a few days and it will become glaringly apparent that people can rise to some of the highest positions in our government without having the slightest clue what they’re talking about. It would be hard to overstate what this sudden revelation is going to mean for The Jaded Otter. If I can get comfortable offering opinions on things I am massively unqualified to talk about, I will have topics coming out of my ass. [1] So today ushers ...

So far, I have adhered to a strict two-week timetable for production of new posts. But this fortnight it was hard to get started. That’s the trouble with motivation – sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not. Am I lazy? I don’t think so. Do I have a vitamin D deficiency? No, I take a daily supplement. Am I running out of ideas? Sure, but that’s never stopped me before. Have I been distracted? Hmmm . . . That’s a possibility. I am currently obsessed with completing a computer game I received as a Christmas present. Also, I'm trying to clean out the old pipes. [1] And let’s not forget I had to change the clocks for Daylight Savings Time – that may not sound like a big deal, but I goofed up on my first attempt. You see, I always think it's “Fall forward, Spring back!” That is not the correct expression, but it has an inspirational "dust yourself off and get back on the horse" vibe, don't you think? Anyway, once I started showing up two hours late for appointment...